Shmucks Read online

  Shmucks

  Seymour Blicker

  DEDICATION

  For Su,

  always my shining star

  CONTENTS

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  About the Author

  Also by Seymour Blicker

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  CHAPTER 1

  HE WASN’T A STUBBORN TYPE OF PERSON. He knew how to give in when he was wrong and usually knew when he was; but if he was right no one was going to move him.

  It was a little past 11:00 on a Wednesday night and Levin was in a good mood. Earlier in the evening he had gone downtown to his favourite bar and scored. He had really scored. He had noticed the girl eying him from the dance floor and throwing nookies his way as she danced. It hadn’t taken him long to lug her. Now, two hours later, she was in his car heading for his apartment in the west end of the city.

  He cut up Peel Street listening to the girl talk. He wasn’t exactly listening but was alternately glancing at her tits and visualizing what he was going to do when he got her home. What an incredible pair of tits, he thought.

  “My father’s basically a good type,” the girl was saying. “It’s just that he’s so used to giving orders in his work, he sometimes thinks he can do the same with me. You know?”

  Levin nodded understandingly. Beautiful, he thought to himself. Once they begin talking about their fathers, they’re ready. He chuckled inwardly. He stopped for a red light at de Maisonneuve and pulled out his cigarettes. He offered one to the girl. She took it and leaned forward for a light. Levin held out his lighter in such a way that his forearm pressed against the nipple of the girl’s right breast. He could feel her push slightly forward against his arm.

  The light changed and he continued along Peel. He decided to cut through the alley which led from Peel to Stanley Street. Then he would head back down Stanley and onto de Maisonneuve going west. That would be the fastest way home and he was in a hurry to get there.

  He turned off into the alley. He was two-thirds of the way through when a taxi suddenly turned into the lane and headed towards him. Levin brought his car to a stop. The taxi stopped as well. Thirty feet separated the two cars. Both cars rested there for a few seconds.

  Levin waited for the taxi to back up and let him through. The taxi remained motionless.

  “Why don’t you back up and let him pass?” the girl asked.

  Levin turned to look at her. “Are you serious?” There was astonishment on his face. “He just came into the bloody lane. I’m nine-tenths of the way through.”

  “So what?” the girl asked.

  “So what?!” Levin replied in amazement. “All he’s got to do is back up ten lousy feet. Why the hell should I have to back up sixty or seventy feet for him? I mean, Christ, if anyone should back up it should be him, wouldn’t you say?”

  The girl frowned as though considering this attitude on Levin’s part inane.

  “Shit, he just has to back up ten lousy feet,” Levin went on.

  “So what?” the girl replied.

  “So I’m going to wait till that shmuck backs up.”

  “We could end up waiting all night.”

  “I doubt it. That guy stands to lose a lot of business tonight if he sits around here. This is when he makes the bulk of his dough–taking people around to the clubs and so on.”

  As Levin finished saying this, the driver of the taxi suddenly shut his headlights and turned off his motor.

  “What a prick,” Levin muttered to himself. “I think I’m gonna move that guy’s ass.” Levin put the car into park and made a move as though to get out.

  “If you get out of this car, I’m leaving,” the girl said. There was a frightened sound in her voice. “I can’t stand violence. I hate fighting.”

  “I’m not gonna do anything,” Levin said. He wasn’t lying to the girl. Several months earlier, he had gotten into a fight in a bar over some stupid misunderstanding. The fight had developed into a full-scale brawl. Levin had hit the other guy who fell against a table edge and fractured his skull. Levin had been unable to sleep for weeks thinking that the man might die. In the end the fellow had recovered fully. After that incident, Levin had promised himself that he would never again allow himself to be drawn into a fight due to his own arrogance.

  “I was just getting out to see if maybe he’d get scared and take off.”

  “He doesn’t look particularly afraid to me,” the girl said.

  From the looks of it the girl was right. From the illumination of his headlights shining on the taxi, Levin could see that the driver had stretched himself out on the front seat so that his head was leaning back against the car window. He was staring up into the air and calmly puffing on a cigarette.

  “What a fucking incredible shmuck,” Levin cursed in amazement. “A putz like that deserves to be punched out.”

  “If you talk like that one more time, I’m definitely getting out. I can’t help it if I get scared when people start talking violently.”

  “Who’s talking violently? The guy’s a prick. Look at him. Look at the shmuck lying there stretched out on the seat.”

  “Please just back up and let’s get out of here.”

  “I’m just gonna wait here for a little while. I’ll wait ’im out. He can’t stay here much longer. He’s probably counting all the nickels he could be chasing while he’s sitting here. He’s just trying to psyche me out, but he’ll end up moving soon.”

  “What if he doesn’t?”

  “If he doesn’t, then he’s gonna have a long wait.”

  “We’re just going to sit here all night?” There was an incredulous sound in the girl’s voice.

  “No, not all night. I don’t think he can last more than a half hour–maybe an hour at most.”

  “I think you’re both crazy.”

  “I’m crazy? All he has to do is back up a few feet. I was almost through the bloody alley. The guy must be some kind of overly insecure nut.”

  The girl shrugged as though expressing her disdain for everything that was going on. Levin had a sinking feeling in his gut. He could be halfway home by now if not for the damn prick in the taxi. Well, it was just too bad. He wasn’t going to move, not even if he had to sit there all week, all month, all year! He could feel an anger rising in his belly.

  “What if he decides to come over here and make you move?”

  “Him make me move?” Levin exclaimed in astonishment. He forced a mocking laugh. “No way, sweetie. If he comes up here–”

  “What?” the girl interjected. “What will you do?”

  Levin hesitated for a moment as he thought through his possible line of action. “If he comes up to my car, I’ll close the window and ignore him.”

  “What about the door?”

  “I’ll lock the door. I told you, I don’t want to get into a hassle with the guy. This is a kind of standoff based on patience, on psychological attitude. If I was in his position, I’d back up because I’d be wrong. I’m not gonna fight with the guy. No way. I’m just gonna wait ’im out.”

  “What if he gets crazy and tries to break the window to get in?”

  “Then,” s
aid Levin nonchalantly, “I’m gonna kick his fucking ass around the block.”

  “I’m leaving,” the girl said.

  “Aw c’mon, he’s not gonna come over here. If he was going to do that, he’d have done it already.”

  The girl moved towards the door.

  “Don’t get out. The guy’s going to leave soon, I’m sure of it.”

  “I don’t want to sit in a laneway all night.”

  “It won’t be all night.” Levin let a light note of hurt into his voice. He watched the girl’s face.

  “How do you know?”

  “I know, I know.”

  “I’ll bet you know,” she replied sulkily.

  Levin looked down at the girl’s breasts. He was getting horny.

  “Look uh—why don’t you come over here?”

  “What for?”

  “Well, maybe we can sort of screw around a little while we’re waiting for that guy to move.”

  “Here? In the alley?”

  “Yeah, why not? No one can see anything.”

  The girl shrugged, but Levin saw a glint of lust reflect off her eyes.

  “I’ll come over there.”

  Levin moved over and pressed against the girl. He put his right arm around the back of her neck. He rested his left hand on her hip. He leaned over and began to kiss her. He chewed gently on her lips and could feel that they were rubbery and resilient. She was horny all right.

  He slipped his left hand up her sweater. There was some merit in the women’s lib. thing, he thought. It was a clever move on their part to do away with bras. You could get at their tits so much faster this way. Mind you, looking at it from another angle, the old way had certain good points that he kind of missed.

  There was a certain thrill which came at that moment when the brassiere snap suddenly came undone in the hand. Then there was the extra bit of excitement which came in working the thing up or down from the breasts. The girls probably must miss them a little as well, he mused, or at least the older ones.

  He grabbed hold of a breast. Beautiful, he thought as he squeezed it gently. The girl tugged at his belt with one hand and unzipped his pants with the other. She put a hand into his underwear and pulled his cock out. He could hear her gasp as she squeezed it.

  Levin lifted her sweater up over her breasts and leaned down to suck on them. He got what he estimated to be a cherry-sized nipple in his mouth, and rolled his tongue around it.

  “Stop, stop,” the girl gasped. “I can’t take it. Not here.”

  Levin ignored her and kept on. He put his right arm all the way around her back so that he could grasp her right breast. His left hand went under her skirt. He slid his hand down into her underpants and in between her thighs. The girl was frantically pulling his cock and twirling her tongue into his ear.

  Levin was not displeased with his progress. If he could arouse her a little more, he could probably get her into the back seat. Or maybe manoeuvre her into a sitting position on his lap. That wouldn’t be too hard. He would recline the power seat. It would be easy.

  Suddenly the inside of Levin’s car was illuminated. The girl jumped up, ripping her sweater back down over her breasts.

  Levin looked up. The taxi driver had put on his brights. Levin stared into the lights and couldn’t see a thing. He put on his own brights.

  “The guy is definitely out of his mind,” Levin said, more in amazement than in anger.

  “Well, if he’s so crazy, why the heck are we still here? Let’s back up.”

  “Aw c’mon,” Levin said ignoring her request. “Let’s jump in the back and duck down on the seat. He won’t be able to see anything.”

  “No,” the girl replied firmly. “The whole car is lit up. If anyone walked by, they’d be able to see everything.”

  “There’s not gonna be anyone walking through this alley at this hour.” He let a slight note of derision into his voice.

  The girl shrugged.

  Levin was getting angry. Another few minutes and the girl would leave and end up in some other guy’s bed. He had gotten her all horny and some other guy would end up shtupping her.

  He rolled down his window. He yelled into the night. “Hey, shmuck, shut off your lights!”

  An answer came booming through the alley. “Fock you!”

  Levin laughed a short sarcastic laugh. “What a prick,” he muttered more to himself than to the girl.

  “I can’t take this. I’m leaving,” the girl said, half whining.

  “Please don’t leave.” Levin put a hurt note into his voice. “I know this guy can’t last much longer. He’s already brought out his heavy artillery, turning on his brights; the ploy where he stretched out like he’s planning for a long night. He’s shot his load, he’s peaked already.”

  “Well then pretty soon he may get really fed up and try and move you out of the way by force.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Well I don’t. I told you I can’t stand violence. Even if you haven’t fought, you’re acting very violently.”

  Levin was beginning to get fed up. He wasn’t going to move even if it meant losing out on this girl. He would do his best to try and persuade her to stay, but if she wouldn’t it was just too bad. He’d have to miss this one. Of course he could always look her up tomorrow or the next day, next week.

  “I’ve got to leave. I really can’t take the tension anymore.”

  “Just try and relax. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  “I can’t relax.”

  “C’mon, let’s jump in the back.”

  “No, it’s almost like daylight in the car.”

  Levin could see that the girl was right. He leaned out the window again and shouted once more down the alley. “Hey, shmuck, will you shut your bloody lights!”

  Once again he heard the retort. “Fock you!”

  Suddenly Levin saw a light go on in an apartment building bordering the alley. The building was set back a good 30 or 40 feet from the fence which delineated the alley, so that Levin had a good angle into the second-story window. A man stuck his head out and bellowed, “Will you cut out the fucking noise down there!”

  Levin heard the answer come rolling back down the alley from the direction of the taxi. “Fock you!”

  The man withdrew his head and shut the window. The light went out. Silence returned to the lane.

  The girl glanced at her watch. “We’ve been sitting here for fifteen minutes,” she said angrily. “He’ll never back up.”

  The tone in the girl’s voice put Levin off. He shrugged. He couldn’t blame her though. After all, here he was giving more importance to a psychological battle with some unknown guy in a taxi than to her and her incredible body. What a putdown! Mind you, if he had been able to give her a little taste of dick, she’d probably have stayed with him in the car for a week if he’d wanted her to. Then again, maybe not. She seemed like a hard-headed type. He could tell by the way she had grabbed his tool. Along with the passion there was a suggestion of no-nonsense authority in her grip.

  “Are you going to back up?” she asked again. There was a demanding note in her voice.

  “No,” Levin replied bluntly.

  “Okay,” she said and moved towards the door. “That’s it. I’m leaving!”

  “You’re leaving?” He tried to sound dumbfounded, hurt and self-righteously angry all at the same time.

  “Yes!”

  “You’re not serious?”

  “Yes I am.”

  “Gimmie your phone number.”

  “Fuck you,” she said and got out.

  Levin couldn’t help laughing. He turned and watched her go back down the alley, hitching up her underpants through her skirt as she walked.

  Observing her beautiful ass, Levin felt a tremendous surge of lust run through his belly. He was almost ready to back the car down the laneway after her when he became aware of the taxi’s lights glaring into his car and his passion immediately turned to a dull rage. He was on the verge of
getting out and assaulting the taxi driver, but he restrained himself. He wouldn’t break his oath. It would be too humiliating. He had promised himself that he would not become involved in physical violence, and he would keep that promise no matter how absurd it seemed at that moment.

  He leaned back against the seat, pulled out an Export A and lit it. He looked at his watch. It was almost 11:30. He peered down the lane again just as the girl turned onto Peel Street and disappeared from view. A moment later the taxi’s lights went off.

  Levin sucked in his breath. Another current of anger passed through his body.

  Levin kept his lights on. He left the motor running so that the battery would stay charged. He wasn’t worried about the gas. He had a full tank. The tank’s capacity was 20 gallons. He made some quick calculations. Idling he figured he could get 15 miles to the gallon. If he estimated a gallon would last perhaps fifteen minutes, that meant he could keep the motor running for at least five hours and probably a lot more.

  No problem. It would begin getting light at about 4:30. He could keep his lights on with the motor running all night if he wanted to.

  Levin leaned back against the door and put his feet up on the seat. He sat up for a moment to raise the radio volume for the 11:30 news, and then reclined himself again. The news came on. Levin half listened as the announcer spoke about the main events of the day. There was more fighting in Ireland. An item about refugees fleeing from Pakistan. An item about a man who had stuffed his wife into a garbage can and then thrown garbage in on top of her after a minor altercation. A priest arrested in Chicoutimi for smoking pot.

  Levin shut the radio and stared down the lane in the direction of the taxi.

  CHAPTER 2

  EVEN WHEN HE THOUGHT VERY HARD, which for Pelzic was a rare thing, he could not remember one morning in his life that had started off in an enjoyable way. Something always went wrong. Either it was a malfunction in the taxi or some obnoxious fare with a big mouth, or his wife. There was always something.

  With the taxi it was always something unusual. He never seemed to have the normal breakdowns that other drivers had–like a dead battery or a flat tire. He would wake up to find that somehow the steering wheel had fallen off during the night or, if it was winter time, snow had accumulated on the taxi top and collapsed the roof. Once on the way to the airport, he had simultaneous blowouts in three tires. Another time, a passenger had fallen out of his car and broken a leg. Or it was trouble with the police. They seemed to be always after him. It was as though half the Montreal police force was following him around just waiting for him to make a false move. If another driver left his car in a no-parking zone for two hours, nothing happened. If Pelzic ran inside a restaurant and returned twenty seconds later with a morning Gazette, a motorcycle cop would be there writing him out a ticket. There was always something. It was because of things such as these that he was so amazed on this particular Wednesday. He had awakened from a dream. In the dream he found himself swimming in Pacific waters. The waves were gentle and the current carried his big bulk along effortlessly. Suddenly a mermaid appeared. She had the most enormous pair of tits that he had ever seen in his life. She swam in front of him and, treading water with her tail, stuck one gigantic nipple into his mouth. “Would big Pelzy like fuck nice mama?” she asked.